Transformative learning events & phases of change

When first diagnosed with asthma 3 years ago, it was a trigger for me to learn as much as possible about the condition. I considered myself highly knowledgeable and felt confident that I knew how to manage.

My subsequent “un” diagnosis led me to much deeper transformative learning. I felt betrayed by my body and could care less about the clinical issues that had interested me before. I decided to leave science to my doctors and focus on my overwhelming emotions.

Here’s how it all worked for me, using Hudson’s model of change.

Phase 1: Go for it. I don’t think I’ve reached it. Prior to the illness, I was gearing up for what would be a challenging fall. Starting another class, kicking into gear for a huge project at work, prepping for concerts and continuing on with dancing lessons. Definitely a grueling schedule. My body (probably thankfully) made other plans for me.

Phase 2: The doldrums. I was focused on pure survival mode. I didn’t have time to reflect as I tried to manage how I would receive care, including lining up people to watch me and cook for me. I was the traveling invalid and it was a humbling experience. "Can you take care of me? Good, okay pick me up." Everything became sharply focused on what mattered, which turned out not to be a whole lot. While some things became very clear, I felt myself become completely unmoored. Questioning what I wanted from life, who I wanted in it and how much longer I might have. I fought, struggled and then I surrendered to it. At 33, I felt I had taken some mid-size steps towards reconciling with my own mortality.

Phase 3: Cocooning. The daily phone calls and e-mails I sent disappeared. I started getting slightly annoyed with people asking me how I was. I just wanted to be left alone to quietness and reflection. I went to a church on my own. The first time ever. I renewed my yoga practice. And I continued asking myself the question: “What matters most?” I tried not to look too far ahead and focus on today.

Phase 4: Getting ready. I am beginning to experience a newly found sense of confidence in myself. I stand tall and say my name distinctly and clearly to those who ask. I realize that I made it through something most people my age will never experience, something that is usually saved for years later in life. I feel empowered. I am ready to start my life again. This with a clearer sense of trying to strive for meaning in my life and shedding what no longer matters in a new paradigm.